I hate this lifestyle. I hate it. I really do, hate this.
I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to settle down.
What’s the point anyway? I want to explore the possibilities of life.
This feels like I’m dead inside. I’m just counting the days. What day is it today? I don’t know. I don’t care.
This is not life at all.
This is just staying alive and I hate this.

“我刚开始上艺术学校，正尝试着找到属于自己的风格呢。我在用弗兰肯斯坦式的方法，借用其他艺术家的想法和技巧，然后试着在它们的基础上做些改动。很难创作出新东西来，因为总觉得我想到的一切以前都有人做过了。高中时还相对容易些，毕竟才刚起步，不可能会让自己失望。但如今我已经受过了一些培训，就感觉到要做出好作品的压力了。我的作品似乎得保证有一定的质量，否则就白瞎了我所付出的努力。真的好难回到以前‘咋样都行’的状态。”

“I’m just beginning art school. I’m trying to find my own voice and style. I’m doing it in a Frankenstein sort of way. I’m borrowing ideas and techniques from other artists, and then I try to change them a little. It’s hard to create something new because it feels like everything has been done before. It was easier in high school. I was just starting out so it was impossible to disappoint myself. But now I have some training and I feel pressure to make something good. It seems like my work needs to have a certain quality or it’s not worth the effort. It’s hard to get back to ‘anything goes.’”

Do you know how good it feels to hug a tree? you put your arms around the tree as much as you can, feel the firm and sturdy trunk pressed against your chest, and the coarse texture of its bark against your palms. i can’t explain why but it’s reassuring soothing, it calms you down. The older i get, the more i enjoy the company of animals and plants, instead of people. they don’t talk, they don’t judge or react, they just exist, and heal us by simply existing.